The grace of letting go

I am mad. Thoughts of that incident makes my blood boil to more than a hundred degrees.

With eyes focused on the monitor, fingers busy typing on the keypad trying to catch each thought that flowed through my mind, I didn't notice the unfamiliarity of those two pairs of feet enter the door.

The face of those two guys who entered my doorstep are still clear in my memory. While one was pointing his gun on my face, the other guy was struggling with the cords attached to my laptop, not knowing that all he had to do was simply pull out those USB drives ... no need to struggle with it ... but he fiercely cut the wires with his bare hands ... anger and fear made me rush to my laptop ... to protect it and what was inside ...

Before I realized what was coming, I was down on the floor with my 'sacrum' hitting the edge of the stairs. Gosh, that really hurt a lot!!! The other guy hit my forehead with his gun when I tried to take back my laptop!!!

... and they were gone in less than 5 minutes, with my laptop, cellphone, and wallet. It took me a minute before I was able to stand up to cry for help. But it was too late. They were gone.

No, this is not an introduction to a short story. But I wish it was. The same way I felt in those 5 minutes. But it happened for real.

This incident happened a month ago ... the whole thing happened in less than 5 minutes ... but its impact slowly emerged and stayed with me for almost a month. The physical pain, the mental anguish, the fear for our safety, helplessness for the lack of decisive actions by the nearest police forces to catch the rooks, the guilt for being too trusting for keeping my door open most of the time for the past year-and-a-half, and a lot of other emotions that flooded my being.

For the following weeks going through my usual routine was an attempt to feign normalcy and show everyone that everything's alright. This was also meant for those who might be observing us, yet to make a comeback, as others say about robbers going back to the 'scene of the crime'.

I had to finish and submit my report ... on time ... cook meals, manage the house, take care of our pets, meet up with clients, and do everything else as if nothing happened.

But deep inside, time stood still ... and if it moved, it was moving so slowly. I was experiencing a lot. And February became the longest month I ever experienced these past few years.

... I went through a week of self-denial: "No, it only happens in the movies. Not to me." But the space on top of my computer table, however, patiently reminded me that it really did happen.

... several nights of restless sleep and being easily awakened by sounds of footsteps (by stray cats, our pets, and anybody else in the neighborhood).

... there was constant fear that I might see those 2 guys back on my doorstep to get the power cord (for the laptop), the only thing left of my laptop.

... the nervous laughter whenever I see one end of the USB flash drive, with its wire severely cut forcefully by that foolish guy.

I was told I should be thankful that all I got was a knock on my forehead and a butt that hurt. But I know that getting hurt like that is not something to be grateful about. I still felt doubly violated: for being robbed and being robbed right inside a place I trust(ed) to be safe -- inside our house. But given all the stories I read in the newspaper, I guess I really have to be thankful about this.

I was also thankful that I have started to back-up my files and copied them in CDs before this incident.  Those were important records, reports I made for previous and current projects, and photos that were recently uploaded by my two daughters.

From the time it happened up until yesterday, I was able to convince myself that what I lost were "things" that can be replaced. We can buy another laptop, another cellphone, to replace them. But losing these "things" also created a vacuum that increased in size ... as their real value to my daily routines continue to unfold ...

After a couple of weeks I began to feel the absence of my laptop, my virtual office (as a freelance) for the past 5 years; the absence of a cellphone ringing and reminding me about things and appointments for each day.

It's a blessing that several friends gave me unlimited access to their computers to continue with my work. And the landline phone suddenly became the main instrument to connect with the outside world.

We were able to cope, somehow.

But there is one thing I realized only now, after copying back those files into this new laptop --- I lost something very important to me... my journal entries (the ones I wrote in my computer) for the entire year of 2007 were gone. I wasn't able to copy them in those CDs.

In moments like this, I strive to remember what a friend once told me, to never allow such incidents to affect how I view life; not to allow it to stop me from enjoying the warmth of the sun, the soulful conversations and the company of friends; and never to allow it to stop me from opening up my heart and experiencing the joy in life all over again.

It took a while before I was able to gather my courage to write about how I felt, to express my anger, my vulnerability, and appreciate the love and support given to us.

Writing about it with a mixed feeling of anger and resignation is all I can do right now.  Good thing there are many things before me now that demand more of my attention.  Gotta shift my focus then and simply let go ... come'n, Azl, let it go.

Yachi and her four tiny kittens

Here's an update on Yachi and her babies.

I really wanted to take pictures of their day-to-day development. Feeling like a mom, too, to Yachi's tiny kittens. But I noticed that Yachi doesn't seem to like us or anybody else peeping inside at them. And so I was only able to take these few pictures when the mom is out of sight.

Speaking of privacy and spending those intimate moments with her babies, I'm sure I would feel the same way, too, if I were in her place. So all I have are these few pictures to share with you.



Last Saturday evening, upon arriving home after meeting up with a friend, I was surprised to find B and K upstairs to where Yachi and her babies were staying. Then I heard tiny shrieks! The babies!!! I ran just in time to see Yachi slipping out of the door, while 'biting' one of her babies on its nape, and was walking slowly and went inside a small opening on our ceiling.

I hastily asked my two daughters what was happening. 

K replied that she saw Yachi and one of the babies outside the 'zipped cabinet' but she thought Yachi was just cleaning the baby. And so she just left them alone.

The next thing she heard was a kitten's cry which was coming from inside the ceiling.

It suddenly dawned on me that what I saw was already the 2nd baby kitten being carried to this 'new hiding place'. Yes, when I checked inside the 'zipped cabinet', there were only 2 kittens left.

I wanted to get mad, then anxiety started to join the mixed emotions I was feeling inside. Was there anything that threatened Yachi that made her take her babies to another place? To a dirty place for her babies? I knew the ceiling must be filled with dust and sand since it was more than a year since we had it cleaned up.

Right at that moment I couldn't do anything at all. I couldn't stop Yachi from taking her babies to wherever she felt they will be 'safe'. I was staring at the 2 other cats, Wabbit and Turkey, who also loved taking a peek through the small hole on the side of the 'zipped cabinet'. Maybe they were as curious as we were of where those tiny sounds were coming from. Must have stepped on Yachi's boundary for privacy of her new babies.

Both are male cats, by the way. Probably they got no idea about 'mother cat's instincts', I thought to myself, while wanting to find someone to blame or something that will help me understand Yachi's seeming strange behavior.

The whole night was toss and turn for me, thinking how cold it must be in the ceiling. Even when I woke up in the middle of the night and found Yachi taking her usual place, sleeping curled on one side of my feet, my mind was still on the babies left inside the ceiling.

Two days later, while working here at home, I heard a crying sound coming from my room. I asked Bam to check it out. She came back laughing as she was trying to describe what she saw upstairs.

So I went up to my room, myself, and saw my blanket pushed back on the side of the bed. I started laughing, too, when I saw the tiny black kitty crawling on the creases of my blanket.

Yachi brought the kitten back. Not inside the 'zipped cabinet' but on my bed!!! 

The moment Yachi left the room, I picked up the kitten, carried it (don't know yet if it's a he or a she) on my palm. It was feeling cold, I guess...and so I held it gently for a few minutes to keep it warm. A warm feeling crept inside my heart when it looked up and allowed me to see its eyes already open. Woaah, then I slowly returned it back to that part of the blanket where Yachi left it.

I was hoping Yachi would take all the other 3 kittens back out of the ceiling. But a few minutes later, I saw her carry the black kitten back to the ceiling.

My guess is as good as yours.  Yachi wanted to assure me everything's fine by showing to me one of her kitties. 

Until now I still do not know up to what extent should I be feeling responsible for our pets. I want to trust Yachi's instincts about the welfare of her babies. And just leave them alone.  Well, why not?

Giving birth with confidence

Yachi, one of our pet cats, just gave birth to 4 kittens last night!!!

The whole evening I was so frantic, not knowing what to do, how to help our pet the moment she started getting restless and showed signs of labor.

I was rubbing Yachi's spine tenderly when I noticed movements in her tummy. Oh the babies are moving now, I told myself! Yah, there were movements in all sides of her tummy which gave me this idea that there is more than one kitten inside her.

Truth is although I have given birth to 2 daughters myself, both of them were delivered by caesarian section (CS) and that leaves me with no idea how it feels to give birth the natural way. Nope, got no first-hand experience of having labor pains. My OB used to tease me that I didn't give birth at all. My babies just popped out of my tummy. These thoughts only made me feel more incompetent last night as I was sitting there beside Yachi.

"Oh, Mom," my eldest daughter kept reminding me. "Don't worry. Cats know what to do! This is something they do by instinct, and would be better off without us intervening at all!" She really sounds so confident here. I remember it well how excited she was when Ducky, our pet dog, delivered her first babies a few years ago. Okay, allow me to digress here for a while.

I was working on an evaluation report then when we noticed Ducky getting restless. This, we easily recognized as signs of 'nesting'. I couldn't leave my writing work at that moment because I knew it would be difficult to go back again to this 'mode' the moment I turn my attention to somethings else.

So Bam was the one who stayed with Ducky while giving birth inside her whelping box. Every few minutes Bam was announcing, "Hey Ma, there's one now.....Ma!.... there's another one here!!" ... until she finally said with an amazed voice, "Ma, there are 5 of them here now? They look like dugong!!!"

Okay, okay, back to Yachi. This time she agreed to stay in the same room where Yachi is ... as I really couldn't contain my excitement and might affect Yachi's own birthing process.

A few minutes later we heard a small sound. While holding back our breath, we slowly peeped inside the old zipped 'cabinet' (where I keep my house clothes, a place Yachi chose to be her nesting place, while ignoring the box we made for her) and saw Yachi licking a very tiny kitten. After assuring Yachi with our soft voices that we are just around, we went back to what we were doing earlier.

Within the next hour, we saw 3 new babies, still with eyes closed crawling around their mom. It was almost midnight when Bam decided to go back to her own room. It took me another hour before I decided to go to sleep, too, and stop checking on Yachi and her babies.

I was nearing dreamland when I was suddenly awakened by another YELP inside the 'cabinet'. I hastily stood up, turned on the lights and peeped inside to find another baby lying there beside Yachi. Hmmm, and that makes it four. Then I went back to bed again ...

The only thing I was thinking of while drifting back to dreamland last night was ... I hope all the four placenta have been out so that there won't be any complications or possibility of infection for Yachi...and I hope Yachi doesn't get suffocated or vomit from eating too many placenta ... zzzzzzzzzz

When I opened my eyes early this morning I saw Yachi step out of the zipped cabinet to drink from her water bowl...and was eating ravenously. That was the only time a heaved a sigh of relief and started to relax. Hayy...

Must have been a long night for her. It's really amazing how cats can give birth on their own, and to four babies all in a row!!!

I have listed a few materials that helped us understand and prepare when our pet dog and cat were about to give birth.

Related links:

• Care of Mother Dogs and Puppies
• A dog giving birth? how to help
• Cats Giving Birth to Kittens
• Queening (Giving Birth in Cats)

That's all for now. Thanks for dropping by and hope you visit again! I will be posting more stories here in the next few days.