Saturday, September 27, 2008

Being on a fork road, with several bumps ahead!

Yesterday I promised myself I am going to write about my online portfolio. For many reasons I wasn’t able to write anything about it. As I went through the ups and downs of my emotions and struggling thoughts on my present financial situation, I found out a few important lessons and insights on my experiences in planning and visualizing things I want to do and what I hope to happen.

A few blogs inspire me to do this.

There is KM Altomonte who's multiply account has evolved to what now appears to be an inspiring running portfolio of his creative projects. There is also EdLaT with his continuing stories of his trips and insights on his creative projects as well.

I want to write about my passions in life, too. About those wonderful experiences of working with clients, trips to the provinces, being with people in the community, and even being by myself while contemplating about upcoming projects.

There are moments, too, when I want to write a blog about this process of overcoming my financial difficulties for the past few months. I am hoping that this will push me to sustain my efforts in overcoming negative thoughts, nitpicking, and involuntary release of statements I tend to regret later on.

There are several things that keep pulling me down. And make me want to ‘disappear’ for a while until such time I could pay my debts and unpaid bills here at home.

But amidst all these not-so-comfortable feeling about my situation, I really strive to keep my spirits up; hoping things will change in a wink of an eye. But the moment I open my eyes, they are still the same.

Maybe, I am depressed. I just try to hide it even to myself. The truth is I am not happy about the way things are. I feel so much pressure to make things work out normally because deep inside I do feel helpless and some sort of a failure in providing for the needs of my two daughters.

I also feel so much envy for others who aren’t worrying about things that bother me a lot. I wish I can be like them, too. Cool and happy. I guess.

I am speaking out my mind here, hoping this will help me release all the anxieties that surface, even in my sleep.

Things I read tell me to keep my goals on the front. To hold on to my dreams of having a better life, the best life I can make out of each moment that comes my way. Although I know that sitting here, doing nothing is not going to take me to where I want to be, still I am doing it.

Last night I requested for a sign to tell me things are going all right. Today I got a spam email with a subject title “I found a job for you”. Although not sure what this meant, I took it as a sign of whatever is being revealed to me.

No sir … not having a job right now is not a big problem to me. But not having enough funds is. I cannot move much because every time I think of going out of this house spells ‘expenses’ for my accounting mind.

Right now I just want to go to sleep. To play with these cute kittens and just rest my heart from all these worries.