Getting lost in transition

Changes, subtle changes seeped in without knocking
Physical fatigue though my office is just a 5-minute ride away
Cobwebs hanging on the edge of our ceiling,
Dust on the divider,
These are things I never noticed before.
So why am I seeing them now?

Warm conversations over dinner
Have started to exude the heat experienced during daytime
Parallel talks that don’t seem to meet
Messages that are not getting through
The invisible wall that’s dividing us now.

Being asked, “Why are you like that now, Mom?”
I had to hold back my tongue from asking this same question

For a few days I tried to keep still, look back, and simply observe
Myself rushing to get to work in the morning ...
And catching my breath when I get home late in the afternoon.

And slowly things became clearer

Changes that came with my decision
To take on a fulltime job began to unfold before my eyes.

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For the past months, five months to be exact, I’ve been trying to find the “balance” in my life. Taking on a fulltime job is no easy task for working moms like me who used to be working at home, where I am able to partake in the household chores while at the same time, also able to attend to commitments made with clients.

Time then was something I was more in control of.

I was able to make time for things important to me, and do away with things that are not that important at all. I had my own routines, irregular they may seem, still they were regular routines that only freelancers can imagine.

But now there are several “important things” that have often been set aside:

• No blog entries for the past months;
• No walking around the block with my daughters;
• No playtime with our pet cats and dogs;
• No time to dig deeper in my journal entries, and
• No space provided for my soulfulness to come out freely.

I even haven’t chatted with our neighbors who have been kind enough to sweep our front area and play with our pets, almost everyday.

Gosh, my daughter is so wise to ask me that question indeed. What’s happening to you now, Azl? Why are you like this now? These were the nagging questions that penetrated my mind and my being when I sat down one lazy Sunday afternoon a couple of weeks ago, with my notebook and pen on hand.

After a few minutes of sitting there, doing nothing at all, scenes slowly started to emerge in my mind-screen. I couldn’t write them down as they were all visuals fleeting so fast, screen after screen floating before my eyes, like a movie being played back to me.

Realizations came so fast, piercing through my senses, shaking my inmost being, and reminding me once again that there are more important things than having a neat and clean sink, and a well-organized cabinet and shelves at home. And these were slowly being set aside without my being aware of it.

But these mini-arguments we have over dinner,
The feeling of being misunderstood,
My irritation over cluttered that continue to pile up in every corner inside our house,
I began to realize now that these are merely reminders that I am “losing my path” once again.

I need to find my “reset button” before these routines and changes consume me.

First thing I did was to accept that there have been changes occurring in my life now. I had to recognize that I am not the only one affected by these changes; my two daughters are also going through their own challenges, too, with their school projects and assignments and exams coming one after another …

And in the same period, our pets had to be spayed and neutered, and they need our attention and affection as well. With medicines that need to be administered round the clock, and isolating them from our other pets. Whew, you can just imagine how chaotic our schedules had been these past five months.

And we managed well, I can see it now.

Second thing I tried to do was to find that precious “appreciative spirit” in us once again. I know I couldn’t have managed all these things without my daughters help, and they deserve a lot of hugs and warm understanding from me (instead of me nagging about the dirt on the sink, those unwashed dishes, and this fault-finding tone in my voice that seems to take over my senses the past few months … arrrggggghhh).

From here, I started writing in my journal once again. It’s nice to read back on my own reflections and how I am managing the changes happening in our lives nowadays. These are small steps actually of re-integrating back into my life whatever lessons I’ve learned for the past years.

Would like to share them in my next blog entries and I hope this article is also helpful to other working moms out there who are also struggling to find that amorphous “balance” in our lives.

Cats love music, too!

Since they were kittens, we always hum a tune whenever we carry them in our arms, like we often do with babies while lulling them to sleep. Even at the tender age of 3 months, I already noticed Wabbit look up, I mean literally looking up at me, searching for my gaze, whenever I sing a lullaby to him.

Several months later, singing the same tune would make him automatically close his eyes, and could even bring him to sleep right there in my arms (with him on my left arm, of course) while my right hand is busy writing a report.

Soon I began to notice that he also sleeps beside my laptop, with his head touching one of the speakers while there is background music being played on the computer.  Yes, he loves classical music!!!

While I was working on my report tonight, Wabbit suddenly jumped on my lap and faced the front side of the laptop. I was expecting him to rub his face on the edge of the computer, as he usually does. But I noticed that he was just sitting still, with his ears touching the front side of the laptop.

It took me a minute before I discovered Elton John's music coming out through the built-in speakers in the laptop.

Here's Wabbit while listening to EJ's Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me.











And his look when the music stopped!

A career shift or a shift in daily routines?

Hey, congrats! That's what most of my friends told me when they learned I was taking on a full-time job, after being a freelance for the past six years.

That I was making a major career shift in my life.

Yes, for the past 6 years, most people (especially my neighbors) I know, thought I had so much free time to bum around. But how can I do that, when I was always in front of this monitor, re-viewing a lot of documents and finishing a report so I can get my professional fee, in time to pay for my bills.

This is one thing I like in being a freelance -- nobody knows for sure when you really got a job out there, or you are just feigning to have a job out there.

There are actually a few reasons why I decided to try working full-time again. And these are the things I give in response to such query:

• I got burned out from working freelance for a long time; (burnout out? freelance?)
• I want to experience working in an office, to relate with officemates, again;
• I want to stay out of the house more often (as I think am getting a bit too domesticated already)
• My office wear were getting dusty and outmoded; (that's what my daughters tell me)
• Change of daily routine, as I was getting too attached to our pet cats and dogs, who are my constant companions at home, while my two daughters are out to school;
• I need a social life daw (what's wrong with wanting to stay at home all the time?) ...

After a month of working in an office (again), I found out that indeed, it was not simply a matter of changing my daily routines at all. Okay, I love the feel of sunshine touching my skin every morning while am on my way to the office. I also find it more enjoyable to observe the changing weather condition while sitting in an office with glass walling and no windows, than doing it at home.

For the first two weeks, I realized I was resisting the idea of waking up early, which also meant sleeping earlier than I used to. This created a lot of self-imposed pressure and stress, not only to myself, but also to other people inside our house.

After I succumbed to the idea of waking up early as part of the choices and decisions I made, things became much easier to bear.

Coming home from the office each day turned out to be an enjoyable walk from the office, passing through the mall, then walking a little bit farther, taking a few left and right turns around a few corners ... and then I am home!

But I was not prepared for the physical fatigue I experienced at the end of the day. Having been used to working alone, I never thought that relating with several people each day can be tiring din pala! Makes me wonder how other people manage that everyday!

However, despite the 8 - 5 or a 9 - 6 schedule, my mind still works like a freelancer. Thoughts about work still go beyond an 8-5 and a 9-6 type of mindset.

There are several other changes that occurred - both positive and negative, and new things learned as well. That includes my concept about "free time". Before, I simply let my day flow by slowly (or swiftly, if there are deadlines to beat) ... then wait for my free time to come, where I can sit by the window and start writing ...

But now, if I don't schedule it, I mean when my "free time" is going to be, I would never get to enjoy it anymore.