“Typ mo conspi?”, a good friend texted yesterday afternoon.
“Yup,” I hastily texted back, without even asking sino ang may gig sa gabing yon.
Had been through a lot this past week! It sure felt like being on a rollercoaster ride! Though, i admit, i have never ridden on one in my entire life ... ever! The exhilaration one experiences in this ride is something i can just vaguely imagine.
Going to Conspiracy Bar is a much-longed-for break. I wanna be away from it all. It’s been months na hindi ako gumigimik and I couldn’t even remember when was the last time I went out for a drink and enjoy the warm company of friends.
While cruising along EDSA on our way to Visayas Avenue, my friends started asking, "So how are you, Azl? Haven't seen you for a long time!"
Such a simple question really ... but at that very moment … I found it so hard to give a straight-forward reply. This is unusual, my friends must be thinking then. They have been used to hearing me tell one story after another whenever we go out like this.
But that night I just couldn't describe how I felt inside. As the traffic was starting to build-up on the northbound lane of EDSA while approaching Cubao, my stories started to build-up, too. Soon I was blabbering about Bam and Kim’s enrolment, about finally seeing Bam’s serious efforts to get readmitted and enroll this coming semester to pursue her studies. That at long last I was able to sit down in front of this laptop without Yachi or Wabbit or Turkey (our 3 pet cats) claiming their space and sleep on top of the keypad. And how excited I was to be doing a new research project, something that hopefully, would benefit NGO workers.
And how relieved we were when four of the 5 puppies found their new pet-owners because our space at home is not big enough to accommodate 3 dogs, 3 cats, and the additional 5 puppies. Literally, they were all over the place.
Then my voice began to falter when I started talking about Fluffy, one of the 5 puppies. Told my friends na dinala namin siya sa vet at 9:30 PM last Saturday because i found out he wasn't taking any food and was just lying down on the throw pillow in one corner of the room."He has a 40 degree fever," the vet told us a few minutes later. Then he gave us a list of medicines we need to give Fluffy.
We went home with high hopes that the medicine prescribed would bring back the frisky spirit in him.
The following day, however, we had to take him to another vet to get a second opinion because there were instances when he was rapidly shaking his head. We didn't know what it was and what was happening to him. We only found out later on that these were already 'seizures' when the vet gave us a brief description of her diagnosis to Fluffy's health condition. That same day, we had him confined at the animal clinic.
I was trying to hold back my tears while relating this story to my friends because I, myself, was wondering at my own reaction to this situation ... why it hurt so bad and why I can't stop myself from crying.
"Last Wednesday night," I went on with my story, "I was with Bam and Kim (my two daughters) at the vet's clinic ... couldn't stop my tears from falling on my cheeks while we were singing softly a lullaby for Fluffy. We had to let him go to sleep na because his condition was fast deteriorating and his body couldn’t fight the infection spreading inside his bloodstream."
Two bottles of beer weren't enough to numb this feeling i was trying to hide. I still can't get over the sadness and this piercing pain whenever I remember carrying Fluffy in my arms every time he had a seizure. It's almost the same feeling I had every time one of my two daughters got sick.
I was on my 3rd bottle of beer when I suddenly asked : “Why is it so hard to understand feelings? Why can’t we control it? I know that letting Fluffy go was the best option on hand ... but why won't this pain go away?”
"Whether it's a puppy or a kitten, it is still a baby! That is why." My friend tried to console me with this explanation when she noticed this mixed feelings in me. She knew very well that we treat our pets as animal companions, other beings like us, but only in animal form. And we love all our pets very much.
I knew there is more than one answer to this makulit kong tanong and yet every time intense feelings overpower me, I still find myself asking these same questions. I have always believed that once you get to understand something, once the lesson is learned, it helps one to transcend a difficult experience and dissolves the pain as well. And so this time, I did everything I could to understand what was happening to Fluffy. But still the pain won't go away.
While in the middle of this reverie one of my friends replied, “Maybe there was something else that happened to you before this incident about Fluffy, that affected you so badly…you know, and it only ‘exploded’ now.”
Hmmmm ... I can’t help but agree to his comment. Fluffy was the 5th pet we brought to the vet the past six weeks. Oh, but those were regular visits for deworming and controlling ear mites and ticks and fleas! Although medyo mabigat ito sa bulsa but these check-ups didn't give us any problem at all. No heartaches at all, except this last one.
"Well, yes," I finally admitted after a few moments of hesitance to reveal a feeling I've been keeping to myself. "I’ve been through some pain and turmoil ... a couple of months ago. But that's another story I am not ready to talk about yet."
The truth is, I found out that whatever affection I had for Fluffy came from the same source as the feelings I had for this other person I-just-can't-talk-about yet. I may have only one heart but at that moment, I found out this heart could love and embrace several people and beings all at the same time. But the price is just too much to bear. The pain can be so devastating.
Once again I heard my friends telling me, "... when you love deeply, Azl, you also hurt deeply. You can't take one end of the stick without the other. "
During those moments, i was really contemplating the idea of 'going back' to the workaholic and stoic person that I used to be, that I learned to be, to cope with this kind of situation. Magpaka-bato na lang muna kaya uli ako. Am confident i can do that. Been there done that, I told myself.
But the moment I looked up and saw the faces of my dear friends ... thoughts of the warm hugs I get from Bam and Kim ... I knew I can't do it any other way. Despite the uneasy feeling of pain and sadness that sometimes come with disappointments and unmet expectations, I knew there is no other way except to get through this.
I just hope that this time, this 'bridge' i need to cross is shorter than the ones I've been through before.
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