I've long wanted to write about this topic from that moment I first heard a cab driver say "Kala ko magkakabarkada lang kayo ..." referring to me and my two daughters when he probably heard one of them call me "Ma, dito na lang tayo!"
That time I took this comment lightly given the similarity in our outfits, wearing ‘chucks’ that differ only in colors, and borrowed shirts from each other’s cabinet. But I don’t know if that was really the reason for the cab driver’s remark about us.
In the next few years, hearing this same remark made me more curious than the first time I heard it. Until there was one instance when a saleslady mentioned it again. This time I asked her, ”Uhm miss, pwede magtanong? Madalas ko ngang marinig yan. Pero bakit mo naisip na magkakabarkada nga kami? Dahil ba sa suot namin? Or magkakamukha ba kami?”
I was surprised when she replied, “Hindi po. Ano eh, yong pano kayo mag-usap. Yon! Ang sweet niyo sa isa’t isa. Parang hindi kayo mag-iina.”
Huh??!!!
That reply made me wonder how a typical mother-daughter relationship or a parent-child relationship looks like in the eyes of other people. I started wondering whether I was being a 'good' mom or not ... whether being a friend to your children is something to be proud of or something that I should be thinking about.
This made me remember some friends who often asked me how it is to raise two daughters, two teenage daughters, as a single parent. My usual reply was, "It wasn’t easy." These three words spell several chapters and hundreds of pages if I were to write a book about it. Right now, there's a short movie running in my mind-screen showing me images of how it was, how we (me and Bam and Kim) became such good friends throughout these years.
Growing up with Bam and Kim
When they were still kids, I used to be their yaya, cook - paminsan-minsan pag sawa na kami sa nabibili sa labas, cleaner (of their clutter), laundry-mom, school bus (tigahatid-sundo sa school), Santa Claus (to buy those Barbie dolls and Lego and books and comics). Then time came when they started doing some of these things on their own.
In their growing up years, there came a time when I felt like a ‘bank account’ ... but only to withdraw money from (for their allowance, gimik, etc. ) and all those other roles were taken as part of the givens. Sad nong una when I felt my kids remember to approach me only when they need or they want to buy something. And they won’t even let me kiss them anymore, especially in public. And they prefer to be with their friends rather than to stay with me, telling them all the stories about everything-that-happened-for-the-day, when it used to be ME whom they want to be with every time they are back from school.
Only much later did I realize that this was a wonderful stage wherein they are already building their own identities outside of myself, as their parent. It seemed like a power struggle, with them extending their own powers beyond the limits that I set and disassociating with anything that has to do with me.
Giving them the space to search and discover who they are also has its corresponding ‘pain’ of giving up some of the roles I used to enjoy before.
Apart from learning new roles, I also had to fine-tune all my inner senses to discern which role ‘fits’ each particular moment ... and when to say “because I say so”, “yah, that’s great!”, or when to simply say nothing at all and just be there for them whenever they need some ‘peace and quiet’ time by themselves.
Or if you’re lucky enough, they would be there, enjoying your company in silence while they are listening to some emo-gothic music on the background. Or you may be luckier enough when they start to tell you stories ... with a pause and uhm in between ... about their crush or someone who used to be their best-friend ... but not anymore ...
Well, this is just the first part of this movie running at the back of my head. There are times, though, when being a single parent to teenage and young adults feels like a crazy roller-coaster ride, too! These are moments when you feel you're holding on to the end of your rope, and all you can do is sigh and yeah, let things flow.
And that's the only time you realize that your children are simply being themselves. That they don't mean to be mean at all (pun intended, of course). And it's time to just sit back and relax, and learn to be more resilient.
Yes, my two daughters taught me something I've never heard from my own parents before. That resilience is something that parents of this generation really need to learn well.
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